love me dead
by thefrostedrose
Summary: And as they drift off to sleep, he can't help thinking about how forbidden this is, and how if anyone in this new, just life of his found out, he'd be ruined. Oddly enough, he doesn't mind.::Joe/Catherine pre-series, mentioned Joe/Rachel and Catherine/OC:: for Tess


**notes**: this is for tess - i've known her for maybe such a long time now and I can say that even though I haven't met her in real life she is one of my best friends and she just gets it, you know? And you've helped me so much, my darling, and I want to thank you. For everythign - so I hope you enjoy ;) (kudos to jade (collectcall) for helping me come up with the idea and tonya (it's a placeholder) for letting me reference her heart-wrenching headcanon)

* * *

"Joe?" The word comes out cracked and nervous and not at all how it should, or how she meant it to.

"Catherine." He nods curtly, turning to face her, looking not at all surprised.

"What – how-?"

"Maybe you could put that down." He eyes the gun that is currently trembling beyond belief in her hands, pointed straight at him. She doesn't, but her grip softens just barely on it. "Or not."

"What are you doing here?" She says through her teeth, glancing around anxiously as if this was all a set up.

"You were sent to kill me." He shrugs. "I didn't think it would be polite to run."

"You?" She chokes out. "You're the rogue?"

"It's not the word I'd use, but…" He takes a step towards her, and she steps back, shaking her head because this wasn't part of the plan. After everything that happened with Zach's father, which she can barely even think about to this day,this was going to be the way to redeem herself. To show the Circle that she was serious. But now-

"Are you going to kill me?" He raises an eyebrow, and takes another step towards her.

"If I have to." She feigns confidence, meeting his dark green eyes. He laughs coldly, before stepping so close to her that the gun is pressing hard against his chest.

"Then do it." He whispers, and she blinks. This was all supposed to be easy – get in, get out, get done. Looking back, she thinks they planned this all along. It could never have been this easy. His hand moves to cup her face, and she tenses. "Drop the gun, Catherine."

It falls out of her hand with a thud, and he places it safely on the table behind him before turning back to her. She's buried in his arms in that instance, and he lets out a sigh, breathing in the green apple scent of her hair. His hand winds its way into her fiery red locks, tugging her closer.

"It's okay." He whispers in her ear when he feels her wet tears on his shirt. His warm chest is muffling her sobs and her hasty, shaky breathes.

"They're going to kill me!" She cries in horror. "Or hurt Zach, or – but I couldn't, you're my best friend, I couldn't!"

"I know, I know." He says calmly, shutting his eyes as she wraps her arms tighter around him. "I won't let them hurt you."

"Please." She chokes. "Please don't leave me here alone."

"I promise. I promise I'll never leave you alone again."

"Why?" It's a question he knew she would one day ask.

"You don't want to live like this, do you?" He murmurs, brushing the tears off her porcelain face – with the lines of her tears, it looks like it's cracking. She buries her face again into his chest, breathing him in for as long as she can, because she knows what she's already done: her love for Zach's father, and now saving Joe.

_Three strikes, and you're out._

* * *

"They're going to be furious." She tells him back at the hotel room they've put her in, right in the heart of Cairo. "It's going to be a disaster, and oh my god, what if they go after Zach? And-"

"Calm down." He says softly, running his hand down her back, and she lets out a deep breath, flopping back onto the mattress. He lays down next to her, his finger drifting over her arm. "I've done worse and they haven't done anything to me yet."

"They sent me to kill you."

"True."

"And you didn't fall in love with a civilian." That's the word they always use for Zach's father - the _civilian_. They say it bitterly, and distastefully, as if it's a disgrace.

"Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine." He reminds her, and he turns his head, and he glances at her profile - the deep dark eyes and the soft skin and plump pink lips for a tad too long.

"They made me come after you. They knew it all along. They wanted to see what I would do." He puts him arm around her, pulling her into his chest. She's all soft and warm and he drifts off to sleep easily. She nuzzles closer to him, taking in his comforting scent.

_Please, please don't take him away from me._

* * *

"How'd they react?"

"They haven't said anything." She's facing the window, overlooking the bright lights of the Hong Kong skyline; she's there with the Circle, and he's come over after an op with the CIA in Beijing. "But they know."

"Are you worried?" He asks, moving to stand next to her, and he can see their reflections in the glass, floating over the city. She looks tense.

"I'm waiting, but that's how they want it to be. They think if I'm just dying in anticipation for something to happen, I'll slip up, and self-destruct."

"You're being careful." It's a simple statement, and she nods curtly. "And Zach?"

"Is safe." She says simply, and nothing else. Though she doesn't talk about her son often, he knows how she feels about him - the product of a disasterly relationship that was doomed from the start. And he knows that whenever she looks at her son, all she can see is the civilian.

"That's good."

"He's _good_. For his age. He's far more valuable than he is detrimental." Catherine replies dully. She turns to face him, and he's closer than she thought; his hot breath washing over her face and she can practically feel the warmth radiating off of his body.

"You're good, too." He reminds her with a slight smile.

"I keep making stupid mistakes." She breathes, shaking her head.

"So Zach's father, and saving me were stupid mistakes?" He counters, raising an eyebrow. Her dark eyes lock with his, and he can see a mix of weariness and fierce, teasing cleverness.

He kisses her, one hand gripping her hips to his and the other fisting into her hair. She tastes like peppermint and pomegranate and _sin_ and it's absolute perfection.

She would be lying if she said this hasn't happened before; there's been awkward pecks at New Year's parties, and make out sessions for missions, but this is the first time herself, Catherine Goode, has kissed him.

She lets her tongue run along his bottom lip, and laughs darkly when he shudders. Her hands run over her shoulders, down his chest, slidding under his shirt. The kiss doesn't break as she yanks it over his head, her hands wandering over his bare skin smoothly. He can't help the moan that escapes him mouth, and she smirks into his lips.

And soon his pants are on the floor and her skirt is bunched up around her waist, her blouse ripped open and the only sound in the dimly lit hotel suite is their discordant groans.

He's dragging her towards the king bed and his lips are on her neck and she whimpers before laughing gently.

"So much for just friends, huh?"

* * *

He collaspes on top of her in a heap much later, closing his eyes and letting the heat pushing through his veins subside.

"We should do this more often." She laughs quietly as he moves off of her. She rests his head on his chest, gazing up at the dark ceiling.

"You are too delcious to resist." He smirks, and she lets out a sigh of contentment. "What if the Circle finds out?"

"In case you haven't noticed, Joseph Solomon," She turns onto her stomach to look down at him. "I don't always follow the rules."

"Quite the rebel." He murmurs as she presses a soft kiss on his lips.

"Don't you know." She replies, snuggling down into the sheets and closer to his warm body. She's almost asleep when he whispers,

"Catherine?"

"Mm?"

"You know that no matter what, I'll be there for you."

"I know, Joe. I know."

* * *

"You've killed him, haven't you?" There's a barely concealed rage in his voice, but she doesn't turn to face him.

"So what if I did?" She finally does, and the view of the acropolis in the fading sunset frames her figure beautifully.

"Did you?" He asks again, the warm Greek breeze ruffling his hair.

"Yes." She shrugs, and she watches the rage within him build.

"How could you?" His voice is just below a shout. "He was your friend!"

"And what do you think would have happened to me if I refused?" She yells right back. "The bottom line, Joe, is that you're all CIA now - you've _turned_ - and I'm Circle, and that's it!"

The silence is loud, and he thinks back to that day when she was sent to kill him; crying and worried but still _real_. Now, all he sees is a shadow of the girl he's known for years.

"He was my best friend." He whispers. "And we were going to pull down the Circle together."

"And you really think I was going to let that happen?" She says coldly, a smirk forming on her lips. He takes her in - the long, wavy red hair that glows in the sun and the white sundress whipping around her and she looks ravishing with the painted Athens skyline behind her but he knows who she really is.

"I will never forgive you." He says. "But I understand why you did it." Her face doesn't betray any emotion, so he continues. "You're first slip up with the Circle was with Zach's father. Fell in love with someone you weren't supposed to, but they ended that quickly. The second was refusing to kill me. Now, they didn't do anything, but you know their blood is boiling. The third would have been refusing to kill Matt, if you had. And, well, three strikes and you're out."

"I hate that saying." She murmurs as those dreaded words run through her head again and she feels her stomach flip.

"I'll never be able to trust you again." He assures her, but inside he's lying because he would put his life in her hands just for the chance that she might save him.

"Could you ever?" Catherine whispers, and she's standing just a foot in front of him and she smells like the beach and rain. His eyes narrow on her cruel smirk, and he truly isn't thinking when he steps forward and crushes his mouth against hers.

It isn't like the encounter in Hong Kong, or the string of times afterwards. It's hot and mean and teasing and harsh and punishing laced with desire. Her hands rest of his shoulder briefly, feeling his muscles through his shirt before running over his chest.

He shudders.

_Those are the hands that killed your best friend_.

* * *

"So Rachel Morgan, huh?" She chuckles darkly. "I thought there was a universal rule among guys that you don't go after each other's wives."

"Widow, actually." He replies meanly, closing his eyes, because they always end up like this.

"Don't sound bitter, Joe." She says, a hand running through his dark hair, and he tries to focus on the slight breeze coming through the window and the feel of the cool sheets on his bare skin but his thoughts are clouded by the feeling of her soft, relaxed body pressed against his, legs tangled.

"Why, are you jealous?" He jokes, and she laughs again, changing the subject.

"Why you started teaching at Gallagher, of all places, I don't know."

"Not everyone hates Gallagher like you, Catherine." He rolls his eyes. "Does Zach like Blackthorne?"

"I guess. Dr. Steve's keeping an eye on him."

"And do they know about us?" He hates to use the word 'us' but he can't come up with a better one.

"Few, and the ones who do don't dare leak it because they know what I'd do to them if they did." A laugh sneaks past his lips. He places a kiss on her forehead, and she smiles in contentment.

And as they drift off to sleep, he can't help thinking about how _forbidden_ this is, and how if anyone in this new, just life of his found out, he'd be ruined.

Oddly enough, he doesn't mind.

* * *

In the tombs, she stares into his dark eyes as hell breaks loose around them, and never in her life did she think things would end up this way.

She presses her lips to his one last time, and it's soft and sweet but sad too, and to her surprise, tears begin to prick in her eyes.

Though she never mentioned it, she's told him so much more than she's ever told anyone. Her fears, and secrets, and wishes, because, looking back, he is the only person who's ever loved her since Zach's father and she clung to that with all she could because she loves him too.

She sees how much he cares about all of his friends. People who she used to care about, and used to care about her, too. And it kills her because he's happy. He saved himself. And when the world around her crumbles, one thought rings through her mind:

_Why couldn't you have saved me, too?_


End file.
